Abhishek And Raj Sitting On A Tree

Abhishek Bachchan seems to be trying very hard to get into the MNS leader and saffron junkie, Raj Thackerey’s good books. After showering him with such gems as, ‘he’s a great guy’ and many other generic compliments, Junior B has invited him for the premiere of Drona! And so, with this lovely gesture of awkward F.Y.J.C. love, the city may be set to witness a new era of trust and friendship.

But wait a minute. We’ve not taken a major element of this delicate situation into consideration. Drona. I don’t know what kind of effect a man dressed in gold weilding some ancient, engraved sword will have on Mr. Thackerey. He might just well up and have visions of Shivaji Maharaj flashing before his eyes by the end of it. On the other hand, he might pillage the Bachchan residence for the fact that a movie with a beard and a sword in it is not based on Shivaji.

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what twisted magic Goldie’s one-hit-blunder conjures up. The fate of the city hangs in the balance…

The Bachchans Bag Another one

The latest innocent by-stander to be claimed by Bollywood’s answer to the Freemasons Club, the Bachchans, is none other than hip-hop demon and ‘that guy who sang Mariah Mariah‘, Wyclef Jean. His recent comments have left no doubt in my mind that the wily Bachchans have taken his soul into custody and will not release it until he says the magic words. Nishabd moved me to emotional spaces that I never thought existed within me. Say that and you’re free to go.

In case you’ve forgotten what Wyclef has to do with anything, here’s a reminder. He and Abhishek had recorded a number together for the album Bollywood meets Hollywood. It seems the two shared a moment in the studio which has somehow convinced Mr. Jean that this Monday morning burnt toast that Junior B calls a personality is hypnotic!! As if that wasn’t hilarious enough, he goes on to call Bachchan senior one of the sharpest men he’s ever met.

Maybe now, after they’ve gotten more mileage out of one track on some pointless album than a Hero Honda Splendour can get on a Frankfurt autobahn, I think Wyclef will be allowed to make his way back to the U.S. and never talk about this ever again.

SRK’s Temptation Reloaded

The West has barely recovered from the shock of the Bachchan’s Unforgettables Tour, and Shah Rukh Khan already plans to have a grand tour of his own! He calls it Temptation Reloaded 2008.

This monstrous intrusion will feature the likes of Deepika Padukone, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Arjun Rampal and Anusha Dandekar. The tour will kickstart on the 17th of October in Berlin and see it’s closure in Dubai.

Temptations was apparently going to unfold right alongside the Bachchan’s world tour in what could have been B-town’s biggest showdown in a really long time but it did not materialise as they could not block the dates of the other stars they wanted in the troupe.

Looks like some more masala is going be spoonfed to the starved NRI’s and the unthinking Europeans. Whether it tempts them or not though remains to be seen…

There Will Be Ash

Bollywood’s first couple are trying to tell us exactly how love goes around the world. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan is all set to travel all the way from Brazil back to Mumbai to attend a special screening of Goldie Behl’s Drona.

Drona happens to be Abhishek’s solo hero release this year and everyone knows how it’s such a big deal since his shoulders are already so overburdened carrying his two tonne last name around, add a solo release with a fictional fantasy theme and he’s already having nightmares about tomorrow. Aishwarya wants to be close to her husband in such fragile times.

Goldie Behl is hosting an exclusive screening of Drona only for the Bachchans next week and in perfect bahu fashion, Aishwarya will be walking alongside Abhishek.

Kareena’s unique birthday

Kareena Kapoor braved heavy snowfall to be with Saif on her 28th birthday. After she had accomplished the union on this auspicious occasion with such bravado, her mother Babita suggested that since they were so close to Kargil, they might as well pay a visit to the soldiers. Kareena, who was already on an emotional high after defying destiny and meeting Saif, agreed immediately and as a result, spent the evening of her birthday with the Vir Jawans.

Kareena says she found it to be a unique and once in a lifetime experience to meet them and get their blessings. This means that now Jawans too have started blessing people and if it really works for Kareena, who has not enjoyed much success this year, this might just increase the Bollywood traffic to Ladhak manifold.

Not Without My Ranbir!

Rishi Kapoor is taking the age old Bollywood technique of hard-selling a defective product to a whole new level. National Award winner, Ashwini Chaudhary approached Rishi with a new script and asked him to consider playing the role of the father in the film.

The Bobby star was so thrilled with the script that he asked Ashish to dump Sharman Joshi, the original choice for the son and replace him with Ranbir! After this professional blackmail, he made Ashish change his production house to the RK banner. And now, for the icing on the cake; he then asked him to step down as director of the film to make way for a more popular filmmaker!! Fantastic! Who did you have in mind there Rishi? Karan Johar perhaps? Popular enough for you? Moron.

Ashwini went back to his original producer and tried to rope in Sharman again, but he had already signed another film. So now, the father son duo may be played by Naseeruddin Shah and Shreyas Talpade. Meanwhile, Ranbir claims that it was all a rumour. He says he’s booked till 2011 and so he couldn’t sign the film even if he wanted to. Who are you kidding? You want us to believe that you have movies lined up till 2011? The only thing you seem fit to be booked for is entertaining bored upper-class housewives as a wind-clown to every Bridge night or Tupperware party

Abhishek’s No Chauvanist

Abhishek Bachchan is all for women. He claims that this regular bubbling up of oxytocin within him can be credited to the fact that he is surrounded by strong women - Jaya Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai.

And so, it comes as no surprise that he was the one who played out one of his many repressed fantasies through Goldie Behl’s Drona by convincing him to make Priyanka Chopra his bodyguard and not just his love interest. Abhishek thought that since Priyanka’s mom is the protector of Abhishek’s dad in the movie; why not pass the relationship down to both children? Genius.

But this isn’t the first time that Junior B has pitched lame ideas to politically correct directors. Rakeysh Mehra raves on about how Abhishek is a storehouse of ideas and how he will be a director one day! That’ll be the day. The floodgates of Abhishek’s pea-sized brain will finally let out the 4-piece puzzle that collectively forms his creative imagination.

Rakhi Sawant attacks IPL

After the waste of time that was the IPL brace yourselves for the bigger and badder ICL. Come October 10th the new cricket tournament will kick off and it will have a very special attraction. Not Mandira Bedi in noodle strappedcholis but Rakhi Sawant and her gang of girls.

Rakhi a.k.a Head cheerleader will decide everything from the costumes to the dance moves. She will perform at 49 matches all over the country with 12 other girls in what she calls a ‘classy affair‘ handled in the most professional manner.Knowing Rakhi, it is most likely to be a really trashy affair.

But the moral police banned the IPL cheerleaders’ skimpy outfits. How will Rakhi get around that you wonder? She’ll just invite everyone to watch her cheer and once they see how talented she is they will no longer be paying attention to her outfit or lack of it.

This comes as a bit of a surprise to the item girl’s fans as we all clearly remember her stating on Koffee with Karanthat cricketers don’t practice and only party. If she had it her way she would lock them up and let them loose only to play and practice.

The last thing we’d expect her to be doing is leading their cheer squad. Now within such proximity to the Indian Cricket League, I think a couple of them might just try to aim a six to her head, Dhonimight even pull it off. Keep your boyfriend cum bodyguard close or hire Jonty Rhodes.

Sallu Paints Katrina

Sallu Paints KatrinaSalman Khan has gone one up on the ‘creepy middle-aged guy who eyes you from the bar’ meter by painting a portrait of one time love and six-time Razzie nominee, Katrina Kaif. He then surprised her by wrapping it and gifting it to her very casually over dinner. Smooth. Katrina did well to hide the fright that this 1850’s stalker’s equivalent of a racy Polaroid taken from the bushes while she was changing evoked.

But that said; this isn’t the first time Katrina has been at the receiving end of Sallu’s painful hobby. She has quite a few of these post-modern disasters hung up in her apartment. Meanwhile, Sallu is busy painting holy men to add to his personal gallery at home. It’s only a matter of time before he decides to go public with them and hold an exhibition. An event like this promises to be a bigger joke than a Sunday Mass jointly conducted by Courtney Love and Shaun Ryder.

Mallika, Mallika, Mallika!

Mallika Sherawat’s living life in a really fast lane and this is taking a toll on her health. The poor baby has fallen ill on the sets of her latest film. This happened after she worked non-stop for Jennifer Lynch’s Naagin the Snake Woman.

The make up for the look she dons in the movie alone takes about 4 hours, plus she has been working round the clock which caused her to get a high fever and collapse.

Meanwhile, the special effects champ Robert Kurtzman (of Evil Dead and Vinalla Sky fame) is busy creating the 12 foot Nagin that Mallika Sherawat will transform into.

Mallika also has found a great friend in yesteryears star Bhagyashree. This might sound strange as most of the other filmy friendships blossom on the sets and these two haven’t worked together yet. Bhagyashree somehow likes the way Mallika has done what she wants to do, without any godfather in the industry. The two of them meet up for lunches and are constantly in touch through SMS’s. Mallika also SMSed Ramu about his new mis-horror Phoonk saying “Hats off to the crow”. Afterwards, Ramu who is now working on a new movie tittled Hiss met Mallika on the sets of Naagin the Snake Woman and displayed a desire to cast her in a movie customised for her as he thinks no one so far has done justice to Mallika’s complete potential. I really wonder what’ll come out of this doing justice to Mallika trip, but Mallika’s sure making some people happy.

SRK-Ghai Avoid Clash

There’s only one thing worse than a Subhash Ghai crocodile death roll of a film releasing by the end of this year. A Shah Rukh Khan home production releasing at the same time.

The world was on course to witness this horrific face-off until Mr.Ghai took matters into his own hands and averted the impending disaster. He told SRK that the two films, Main Yuvraaj and Billo Barber were big enough to release with a gap of a couple of weeks between them. Shah Rukh, being the parent-loving push over that he is, agreed instantly and has now postponed the release of Billo Barber to next year!!

I can understand why Mr.Ghai is a little wary of his dates. The last time two big movies released at the same time was with Jaane Tu and Love Story 2050. We all know how that story ended. By avoiding the date clash with SRK, he has also defused the potential estrogen-battle that was bound to ensue between Sallu, the lead in Main Yuvraaj and his nemesis Shah Rukh, the lead in Billo Barber.

And so, with this latest development, the race for the worst movie of the year boils down to Harry Baweja’s Love Story 2050 and Subhash Ghai’s twin cretins, Black and White and the upcoming Main Yuvraaj. May the best man win.

Badtameez Imraan

During the shooting of a stunt in Blue, Zayed Khanmisjudged and landed on the windscreen of a car, slashing his forehead. Now jumping off a building onto a car may seem like child’s play but clearly it can be dangerous. While Zayed sustained no major injuries it’s not surprising that other Bollywood actors would think twice before performing their own stunts.

Imraan Khan who plays a dark character in Sanjay Gadhavi’s Kidnap was obviously expected to perform some daredevil stunts besides bulking up for the character. During the course of shooting, Sanjay Duttwho also stars in the movie, had gotten really protective ofAamir’s nephew Imraan, who listens to no one and nothing but Uncle Aamir. Hence when it came time to leap of a 20 storey building and Imraan was keen on doing the stunt himself Sanjay put his foot down.

But of course when Sanjay went upto Imraan and asked him not continue with a risky stunt like this, the latter paid no heed and would not budge. Sanjay immediately called Aamir who had a talk with Imraan and asked him to refrain from taking such risks so early in his career.

Imraan got the drift as soon as Mamujaan spoke and let the body double take a dive from the 20th floor of the building. Whipped, I tell you, whipped!

Filmy Bhaigiri for Congress

Sanjay Dutt is doing a lot of things these days besidesBhaigiri on screen, he’s penning an autobiography and plotting his political career. He plans to stand for the next elections if given a ticket. The move is being touted as him trying to fit into his father’s shoes.

This news comes at a time when his filmy career is completely on an upswing, Sanju baba has his dates tied up till 2010, and has hiked up his pay package to a neat 12 crores per movie. Suniel Shetty has been instrumental in this price hike as it was he, who suggested that it was about time Sanjay got paid what he deserved. Sanjay is also looking forward to moving away from his “goonda” tag on screen as the movies he is working on now portray him in a positive light.

Sanjay is in no mood to rush his political leanings as he wants to pursue it when he can devote enough time to it. He would not like to be what he calls a “sleeper politician”. If all works out, Sanju baba will join the big gang of MLA’s with a criminal record.

Kareena Goes The Distance

Kareena Kapoor tempted the Gods once again yesterday, imploring them as she so often does to strike her down without warning. It happened to be her 27th birthday and she desperately wanted to spend it with her polo-playing, buck-killing waste of life boyfriend, Saif Ali Khan.

The Chote Nawab was supposed to go up to Ladakh(that’s where Bebo is shooting for 3 Idiots) to meet her but got stuck in Srinagar as heavy snowfall blocked off access to the glacier. Despite this clear message from the elements disallowing the re-union of these two factory outlets of human emotion, Bebo took her chances and went to Srinagar by road to be with Saif.

And yet the two are alive; so far at least. It makes me wonder what it will take to get rid of these bathroom actors once and for all. Anything will do; an avalanche, yetis, terrorists, Sallu. Just finish them off, they’re not worth much anyway. Their existence is about as useful as aBeach Boys tape in a Vietnamese prison.

Sonam walks the Ramp

Sonam Kapoor, the star kid discovered by monster maker Sanjay Leela Bhansali has given modelling a shot. Sonam walked the ramp at couture week forAnamika Khanna. She says she experienced vertigo, when walking on a four foot tall ramp wearing five inch high heels.

Well at least now you know how everyone felt when watching your blue coloured debut Saawariya! That feeling of sinking so low is quite the opposite but as discomforting trust me.

Sonam also stressed that she tried to be herself and did not try to ape any supermodel, alright now! Aren’t you trying to be an actress? Wouldn’t that be the least you could do!

Daddy dearest Anil Kapoor was there to show his betisupport and surprise surprise mentor Sanjay Leela Bhansali attended Sonams ramp debut. Hmmmmm……but what was Madhur Bhandarkar doing there? He’s wrapped up filming for Fashion, maybe he’s hoping to cast Sonam in his next catastrophe. Despite the sloppy outfit Sonam was a breath of fresh air amongst the established Indian supermodels.

Together Again

Saif and Kareena, as we all know, have been painting the town red with their love for each other. They claim this relationship has done them a whole lot of good and now they want everyone around them to experience this wonderful feeling. How do they go about doing this? Start a spread the love foundation?

Not really. The two have started their crusade from home and reunited Karisma with her on and off relationship with her husband of five years, Sanjay Kapur. Karisma has had a volatile relationship with Sanjay and there have been several instances of them separating and then trying to make it work again. They also have a daughter from this wedlock, Samaira.

Kareena and Saif somehow get along with Sanjay more than Karisma and they are the ones playing cupid so that Karisma and Sanjay can be together. Karisma, who has been living in Mumbai and looking forward to being offered a good script to make a comeback on the silver screen, has now moved to Delhi to give this relationship another shot.

Vikram Bhatt’s Horror Festival - Phase 2

After shattering our sense of well-being with such irrevocable disasters as Raaz and 1920, director and annoying chain-letter type person, Vikram Bhatt is all set to make another scary movie.

This latest venture will be based on a curse. He calls itShrapit. You must have really dug deep to come up with that sensational, understated title huh? Anyway, the reason why he’s making yet another scary movie can be credited to two things. One - because he thinks he’s good at making this kind of cinema. Two - being someone who’s spooked easily by things like long corridors and insects, he relates to the characters in the movie.

Ok, number one. You have no strengths. Everything that you touch magically turns into either one of Amisha Patel’s bedroom confessions or Season Three of The Young And The Restless. Number two. I don’t give a rats @$$ about what you’re scared of. If there’s anything left in that Mike Tyson piggy bank you have for a head, you’ll realize soon enough that you should have pulled the plug on this vegetable of a venture long ago.

The New Pranksters On The Block

If there’s anything that Bollywood’s famous for, it’s for making something out of nothing. The most ridiculous things will be discussed with sombre closed-lipped nodding over dinner and drinks as great insights into a person’s character and true self. One of the easiest tags to earn in this circus is that of a prankster. Every idiot fromRiteish Deshmukh to Uday Chopra is somehow clubbed in this massive group. And the latest duo to be added to the prestigious fraternity is none other than Ranbir Kapoor and Katrina Kaif.

The two played a prank on director Rajkumar Santoshi while on the sets of Ajab Prem Ki Gazab Kahani. So now, here’s the big joke… hold on…. here it comes….. they pretended to fight and refused to patch up until Mr. Santoshi had run out of options! There. This was their big joke. High five.

I’m starting to think that all you have to do is be in Bollywood to be recognized as things you’re not. If you’re a bad actor, you’ll still bag the best newcomer award. If you make fart sounds everytime your co-stars sit down, you’ll be the toast of the town. If you kill people and doodle as a hobby, you’ll get off with a ‘temperamental artist’ tag. There seems to be something for every dumbass who turns the wrong corner and lands up here.

No Malfunction in Fashion

During the 2006 Lakme India Fashion week Carol Gracias’ halter top fell off exposing her breasts, while she was sashaying down the ramp. This minor malfunction caused a huge furore and inspired Madhur Bhandarkar to make a movie based on the lives of Indian supermodels namelyCarol Gracias, Shivani Kapoor and Alecia Raut.

The most talked about single scene in this movie might just not make it to the big screen. Yes, we’re talking about Kangana Ranaut recreating Carol Gracias’ loss of clothing while walking the ramp in Madhur Bhandarkar’sFashion.

Kangana donned a body suit for filming this crucial scene and seemed comfortable enough for it to be part of the movie but now editors have decided to blur the scene and only her back will now be visible. The focus they say will be on Kangana’s face and the expression of horror when her top falls off.

The decision came about as the unit was wary of the Censor’s scissors and hurting the Indian sensibilities. Of course when the actual incident took place every news channel played the footage of Carol’s top falling off a million times and nobody was worried about hurting Indian sensibilities…

So this looks like another grand case of publicity stunts and the downside being that  we will now have to rely on Kangana’s acting expertise to pull off a wardrobe malfunction with just the expressions on her face. This sounds like a complete case of cinematic malfunction Madhur!

Kareena Has No Time For Saif

If there’s one time I wish man-eating Yetis existed, it’s right now. Kareena Kapoor is in Ladakh shooting for Raju Hirani’s, 3 Idiots (thumbs up for the casting). She plays the lead across Aamir Khan in what she claims to be“one of the most important films of (her) career”. Wow!! It must have really taken some doing to top your other celluloid legends like Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon and 36 China Town.

She will also be turning 27 this Sunday. Her woman-friday, Saif Ali Khan is planning to make the trip up to Ladakh so that they can be together. Given Kareena’s busy schedule, from shooting to eating salad, the two hardly get time to meet.

In a bid to solve this problem, Saif wants to rope Kareena in for the next movie he’s doing called Agent Vinod. Hopefully somebody will burst this foreboding bubble before the movie’s finalised. I can barely handle them off-screen.

Celina Gets A Cupgrade

Celina Jaitley is all for animal welfare. Recently, she appeared on a PETAposter hitting out against the cruel treatment of elephants. She played the elephant in the poster; dressed in grey and tied down with metal shackles. And so, what looks more like a Jenna Jameson home video than an environmental awakening plea, has become PETA’s latest addition to their list of celebrity posters.

The other stars who have obliged to do the similar things, among others, arePamela Anderson, Sherlyn Chopraand Rakhi Sawant. Sherlyn and Rakhi took the campaign one step further by dressing as tigers and sitting in a cage in front of a live audience. What the confused audience was to gain from that display is beyond me.

Getting back to Celina. As if this whole scenario wasn’t titillating enough, the guys at PETA also found it necessary to digitally enhance Celina’s breasts! They claim that it was done to attract more attention. I really don’t know what sort of people this campaign is going to attract. They seem more like bait for Mick Jagger than protest posters.

Emraan, Soha and 26/7

After the betting mafia driven Jannat- In Search Of Heaven went well with the audiences, director Kunal Deshmukh is attempting another movie with a realistic theme. This new untitled venture will be based on the 26th July flood that struck Mumbai claiming more than 400 lives. The movie will have Kunal’s lucky mascot, Emraan Hashmi and Soha Ali Khan.
Kunal says that the 2005 deluge was so shocking and unexpected that he was compelled to make a movie on the issue. But what I can’t get my head around is his choice of cast. I mean Soha has proved herself in movies likeRang De Basanti and Mumbai meri jaan. But Emraan Hashmi will always be known as the serial kisser.

With so much revealed about this movie, I think I can tell what this one might be like, Emraan will be doing his non-acting-smart-kissing maneuvers through a good part of the first half and then suddenly Soha will know about his extra marital leanings, as she begins to leave the house, Bang! here comes 26/7. and then the same old brave the floods, kiss and make up routine. Sounds like a third cup of tea in the day to me, not without some flood water tho.

Mallika & RGV Patch Up

After kissing and making up with Madhur Bhandarkarand Himesh Reshammiya, Ram Gopal Varma has now gone ahead and forgiven Mallika Sherawat. (Wonder how they kissed n’ made up… n’ what else they did ;)) As a show of their newfound camaraderie, Ramu has signed her for Phoonk 2! The prospect of a sequel was disturbing enough, but with Mallika’s inclusion, the movie promises to be a bigger display of denial on Ramu’s part thanCher’s 60th birthday.

In case you’re wondering why the two fought in the first place, its because Ramu used Mallika’s picture in the film,Contractwithout her permission. For this breach of protocol, Mallika went as far as sending him a legal notice. Ramu went one step further when he insulted Mallika by comparing her to a crow before the release of Phoonk. It was only after the movie released that Mallika realized that the delusional director wasn’t really a threat to anything. And so, after an exchange of messages, the two have buried the hatchet.

What can we expect from Phoonk 2 ? I’m afraid to even think about it. From the looks of things, it’s going to be worse than an office picnic in Baghdad.

Sanjay’s life!

Sanjay Dutt is on a roll these days, after hiking his pay package and tying the knot with Manyata, he thinks he’s had quite a life and is ready to put it down in an autobiography.

So what should we expect? Tales justifying how and why he hid the infamous guns in his house during the ‘93 bomb blasts? How his dad put his political career on the line to get his good for nothing son out of the messes he always got into? How Congress has helped his life? Sounds like a really interesting affair to me. What remains to be seen is, how much of this actually trickles into this tell all tale he is planning.

Sanju has been toying with this idea for a while now but none of his buddies seemed keen or supportive. Only his new flame Manyata seems to think this is a good idea and is urging him to follow his gut instincts. Such a brave woman!

Publishers have got a sniff of what they think in true bollywood fashion might be a pucca blockbuster and are already lining up to grab the rights for it. Sanjay however is still busy with his filmi projects and will pen down his thoughts as and when he gets the time. If he really is going to talk, we don’t mind listening.

Aishwarya Kebab Mein Haddi!

Akshay Kumar and Katrina Kaif have proved that they are a convincing on-screen couple and Vipul Shah of all people should know this, considering that the sizzling couple are the sole reason his past two films Namaste London and Singh is Kinng have been box office hits. But for his next project Action Replay he has chosen Mrs.Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan to play the leading lady.

The last time Akshay and Aishwarya appeared in a movie together was Rajkumar Santoshi’s Khakee where they were chasing criminals together and didn’t exactly set the screen on fire with their camaraderie.

Now every filmi pundit credited the runaway success ofSingh is Kinng to the pairing of Akshay and Katrina, and not Vipul’s amazing production techniques or anything. So this change seems a little uncalled for.

Action Replay will portray Mumbai in the 1950’s andNitin Desai the art director of the movie is going to recreate this look in his Karjat Studio. Do I smell a stinker? No need to dispair Akshay and Katrina will be starring in London Dreams together so if Action Replay doesn’t really suit your style there’s always something 

Sania Mirza’s Tennis Dreams

Sania Mirza (known to be the hottest Indian in the tennis world, beating such timeless beauties as… uh… well…Vijay Amritraj), has plummeted to rank 91 according to the WTA system. But yet, she’s not been out of the news. If not for some lousy feature on some lousy news channel, she’s been seen at various parties, getting her 80’s pop groove on and mingling with the Bollywood herd. And now she’s appeared on the front page of the Bombay Times.

Why? Beats me. She hasn’t done a noteworthy thing in months. But then again, which BT cover celeb ever has?

If you’re still wondering why she’s on the cover of this paper, it’s for the very noble purpose of discussing who she likes in Bollywood. She thinks Akshay Kumar is the hottest star in the scene and is by far her favourite. As for her alleged Yash Chopra outtake of a relationship withShahid Kapoor, she sidesteps it with all the awkward graces of a newbie and changes the topic. Now all that’s left is the discussion of her future. She claims to want to play tennis until her last breath!! Isn’t that cute.

If you’re really harbouring dreams of cutting it in the tennis world, you better forget about this party-hopping, tabloid-hugging lifestyle you’ve adopted. Work on the MIG-21 you call a serve and save the bullsh*t interviews for after you’ve gotten somewhere.

Golmaal Returns

A sequel to 2006’s comedy hit Golmaal has been unveiled to us over the weekend. Golmaal Returns has been produced by Shree Ashthavinayak Cinevision Ltd. and has a huge star cast featuring Ajay Devgan, Kareena Kapoor, Arshad Warsi, Amrita Arora, Shreyas Talpade, Celina Jaitley, Anjana Sukhani and well of course, Tusshar Kapoor .

The movie also boasts of one of what is the most expensively shot songs called Tha Karke which is centered around Kareena Kapoor. The song has been shoot with a whopping budget of 6 crores. I too was a bit thrown off by 6 crores but after a little digging it appears the huge budget was to recreate a Goa like set in Mumbai. I’m pretty sure it would have been cheaper to just take the entire cast and crew to Goa for 10 days and shoot.

Kareena and Amrita, the chaddi buddies who need to redeem their careers after a streak of flops are both in the movie , Kareena is even riding a super bike ( woohoo!) while Amrita merely plays pillion to Arshad.

The producers call the movie a true-blue masala entertainer and the promos are calling it a “Diwali Gift” to the masses. Let’s see if this barrage of bike stunts and slaptick humour rocks the Box-Office like the last one did, or will Golmaal remain a one-hit wonde

Sallu To Launch Chi Chi’s Daughter

Sallu and Govinda are known to share one of the best kept friendships in the otherwise, back-stabbing, punch-spiking, wife-swapping circus of Bollywood. And now, when the time has come for Chi Chi’s daughter,Narmada, to break out of her cocoon and become an actress, the job of launching her has been handed to none other than every struggling actress’s illusory lighthouse on a storm tormented sea, Salman Khan.

I know it’s a trust thing but Govinda might want to rethink this decision. Every actress that Sallu works with usually ends up drinking a slightly bitter glass of Coke and bunking with the controversial actor. So just a word to the wise; this little gesture of brotherhood may turn into a midnight stroll in Bhayanderbefore you know it.

In other news, Govinda’s political aspirations seem to have taken a turn for the better. He has also signed four films including one by Mani Ratnam. So the future looks bright for the Coolie No.1 star. It remains to be seen how Narmada fairs. I can only hope she pours her own drinks on the sets…

Amrita Gets The Axe

It’s been a while since we saw Amrita Arora play a major role in a film. She was however, all set to make her comeback to theMain Characters Lounge with Samir Karnik’s Heroes when she found out that half her scenes had been cut! As a result of this justified piece of editing, Amrita has stopped promoting the movie. She has now gone back to her totally exciting life of gym-ing and man-hunting every night with best friend and trend-chaser,Kareena Kapoor.

So lets just see what’s been axed from the final edit of this movie. First up, here’s what Amrita’s definition of a ‘meaty role’ is - eight scenes and a song. There you have it. For all the fuss she’s making, I thought she’d be playing a desi Forrest Gump. So now, from eight, it’s down to four. And the song’s out. Hint, hint Amrita. I don’t know which string you pulled to be part of the movie in the first place but even as bad as Heroes sounds, I’m glad you’re out of most of it.

Bikini Biryani

Sherlyn’s tour has finally reached home ground. The ex-Miss Andhra Pradesh enthralled her fans with another dazzling appearance at a club in Hyderabad this week. She heavily promoted her two remixes of the “Dard-e-Sherlyn” title track by DJs Akbar Sami and Pramz, while donning her controversial trademark diamond-studded bikini top.

Despite everyone being paranoid about one of the diamonds falling off her bikini top the item girl paid no heed and was much more bindaas while interacting with the Hyderabadi crowds. Guess she felt more comfortable with her own people. Eight bouncers are more than enough for one skimpy attired item girl.

Sherlyn’s tour is expected to move to Chandigarh, Mumbai, Pune and Vizag. Her new remix video is set to hit our TV screens next week. Just so you know the video that will be aired has attracted 19 cuts from the Censor Board and also the wrath of Hema Malini. Can’t wait for this one to pan out.

Twice The Hell Down Under!!

MTV’s original reality TV show Roadies, based on the bike gang phenomena is all set to enter its sixth season. And the man behind Roadies, the mean machine better known as Raghu Ram, is obviously still on the panel of judges along with his identical twin brother Rajiv Laxman. Dear God, there’s two of them. This seasons wannabe Roadies are in for a real rollercoaster ride called auditions. We’ve all seen Raghu make people cry, there’s no telling what Rajiv is capable of doing.
The new season tittled, MTV Hero Honda Roadies 6: Hell Down Under is going to unfold well, down under in the Australian Outback. Now Raghu is already known for his hard talk and flying expletives, with his twin brother on the side they might just start a Rage against the Roadies and with the prize money now raised to a cool 10 lakhs, let’s see how many Indian street gang members fall prey to their hate spewing debauchery.

Neil Nitin Mukesh On The Run

After Usain Bolt scorched the track this year at theBeijing Olympics, the running bug seems to have bittenBollywood newbie, Neil Nitin Mukesh. The youngBrylcreem abuser had a fall and tore a ligament while trying to run faster than what the treadmill permits.

He claims that he did this to make a chase sequence in his upcoming movie, tentatively titled New York look authentic! You just have to run you moron. You put one foot in front of the other. What the hell do you have to practice for? Most people just learn these things in childhood you know, as a natural follow up to learning how to walk. What were you up to Neil? Cooking Denver omelets on that Irani restaurant pan you call a hairdo?
The movie is being shot in Philadelphia and so the aspiring actor does not have a shoulder to cry on there. His father went back to Bombay for Ganpati and now Neil is all alone, rethinking his life and wondering why nobody gives a rat’s ass that he’s torn a ligament. In other news, he and John Abraham have been spending quality time with each other of late. Neil says that John is like the brother he never had. Now all he needs is a Teach India volunteer to drop into his lap and give him the 5th grade physics lesson he’s never had.

Ru Ba Ru Cast Party It Up… Timbuktu Style

The Premiere of Ru Ba Ru proved to be the biggest washout since hurricane Katrina. Even though the two stars Randeep Hooda and Shahana Goswami tried to make a flashy entrance by coming in on a horse drawn chariot, they were welcomed by the same people they worked with on the sets.

Neetu Chandra made a rare appearance at the premiere. Didn’t know she was in the movie, IMDB doesn’t seem to think so either, her name is not included in the cast.

The only ones seen at the premiere were the cast, a chariot silver enough to make twenty pairs of Micheal Jackson stage shoes and two disappointed looking horses who were probably wondering why they did not go to the Journey To The Center Of The Earth Premiere.

Kites is Ike-d

Rakesh Rohan’s Kites, which has been in the news for quite sometime because of Hrithik locking lips with Barbara Mori, has a hurricane posing as a real villain. Hurricane Ike which moved northward from Cuba towards the Gulf of Mexico has delayed the shooting schedule of the movie. Superhero Hrithik and Papa Roshan are really helpless at the turn of these events and along with the rest of the cast have been confined to their hotel.

Ike has caused damages of over a crore to the movie producers and also messed up the dates of the actors involved. The Roshan’s are contemplating cancelling the New Mexico leg of the shoot and plan to continue only after Ike has moved on.

I think it is a really good time for them to shoot a Krrish sequel, with Hrithik saving New Mexico from the swirling Ike while the Pedro’s are busy playing the guitars and guzzling tequila. They even have Ms. Mori to complete Krrish’s love affair.

Sallu Teresa

Salman Khan is feeling charitable these days. The troubled actor is not only going to perform to raise funds for the Bihar Relief Fund, but also auction the costumes from his upcoming movie, Main Yuvraaj! And so, devil-worshipping cross-dressers from across the globe are descending upon the scene to bid for the hideous outfits that Sallu donned in the film. He has also asked other actors to take part in this great gesture of charity.

In case you’re wondering who would make a movie calledMain Yuvraaj, it’s none other than Subhash Ghai. The last airbag malfunction he put us through was Black and White; easily one of the worst pieces of message cinema since The Brady Bunch Movie. He claimed it unleashed his creative side after years of making commercial movies. I’ve seen more creativity in a f***ing Lux ad. And now, to top off the tour-de-farce of unattended domestic violence that he calls Main Yuvraaj; he’s hired Sallu to play the lead.

Well done Mr.Ghai.

Dostana will help John’s Aashayein

John Abraham has gotten a little wary of offbeat movies after No Smoking did not exactly smoke the box office or convince some people to kick the habit. As a result, he is postponing the release of Nagesh Kukunoor’s movie Aashayein. The movie was originally supposed to release in July. John even sang a song from the movie at the Bandra Amphitheater in a bid to promote it. Aashayein is now slated for release on November 28th. This film supposedly has John’s best performance till date and he thinks it should really be marketed well.

The date of release now is just about two weeks after Dostana , John’s other release with Abhishek Bachchan and Priyanka Chopra. Rumour has it that the plot of Dostana has been picked up from Hollywood’s “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” and remade with all the bling of Bollywood by Karan Johar.

Looks to me like John wants to use the buzz generated by the release of Dostana to help Aashayein get a better opening perhaps. Maybe getting a few more expressions on your walk-on-the-ramp face would help pull up the people to watch some of your more acting driven ventures than trying to piggyback them on your big banner multi-starrers.

Vikram Bhatt’s Horror Festival

Don’t look now, but the release of Vikram Bhatt’s latest repressed memory, 1920 is around the corner. To make matters worse, he’s also in the process of writing a book called Summer Of Frost. It’s an autobiographical book about a “secret that he will keep forever“. I’ve got to hand it to him; horror is really turning out to be his forte this year. And so with these two nightmares close on our heels, there seems to to be no esacping the shattered kneecaps of the art world that are his creations.

1920 will follow up Ram Gopal Verma’s horror flick, Phoonk. But Vikram isn’t too worried about comparisons. He claims that his movie is totally scary and moreover, isn’t about black magic. Well, at least the two movies have one thing in common - delusional clowns for directors.

The more movies these two make, the more perfect they seem for each other. Why don’t you two just shack up and join the your half-brains together before putting out any more movies? God knows, it’s worth a try. Everyone’s at the end of their tether. Another piece of garbage like Ram Gopal Verma Ki Aag or Life Mein Kabhie Kabhie may well be a one-way ticket to a body bag at the bottom of a Dahisar dumpster for you morons.

Ranbir Deepika Relationship On Slippery Slope

The Ranbir-Deepika relationship seems to be going to the dogs. After Deepika and ex-lover Nihar Pandya were seen cozying up at Royal China, rumour has it that Ranbir and Sonam Kapoor are talking to each other again!

The two were spotted at Saif Ali Khan’s birthday party last month, chatting away with the same abandon as seen on the sets of Saawariya. With Deepika out of town and Sanjay Leela Bhansali hopefully out of work, Ranbir thought it would be the best time to cup the obscene flame that had almost burnt out between him and Sonam. This new development makes us wonder what happened after Saawariya. Why did these two chipmunks take a break from each other? If they are really that close, what the hell happened? Was it the trauma of debuting in a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film? I can understand if that’s the case; it’s a decision that stays with you forever.

Anyway, it sure looks like Ranbir and Deepika are slowly getting disenchanted by each other. Guess you’re feeling pretty stupid about professing your love on national television aren’t you Deepika? So remember, the next time you want to do something as juvenile as that, make sure you’re talking about a person with whom you share a deeper bond. I’ve seen more chemistry between a doughnut and a cup of coffee than between you two dumbasses!

Deepika cheating on Ranbir?

Deepika Padukone appears to be chilling with ex-boyfriend Nihar Pandya while current boyfriend Ranbir Kapoor is out of town shooting in Ooty with Katrina Kaif. The duo were spotted at a famous Ranbir-Deepika hangout; Royal China. They ran away as soon as shutterbugs spotted them. Now Deepika never runs away from paparazzi when she’s with Ranbir, in fact the two are quite public with their displays of affection, so maybe her little rendezvous with Nihar was supposed to be their little secret.

Nihar and Deepika had a really long relationship through their modelling days and the two were together even while Deepika was shooting for Om Shanti Om, which was quite recent. Nihar however got dumped for Ranbir, and they severed ties altogether. They did not even speak to each other after their relationship ended. In the meanwhile, Nihar was linked up with Salman’s sister Arpita. Jeez, hope Sallu bhai doesn’t hear about this one. Nihar seems to have made up with Deepika now. Let’s see what comes out of this little cuckoo in a crow’s nest.

I really hope the Deepika-Ranbir equation wasn’t cooked up to help promote Bachna ae Haseeno. If it was just a publicity stunt it was a really lame one. The back-up dancers in the movie displayed more chemistry than the apparent love-struck young couple.

Sherlyn’s Painful Tour

Sherlyn Chopra, the girl behind some hideous music,  has started a promotional tour for her new music albumDard-e-Sherlyn. An offering to the sexually dysfunctional masses of the country. When translated Dard-e-Sherlyn means “Sherlyn’s pain”. In an experience called “orgasmic frenzy ” she is gyrating and lip-syncing to some DJ Akbar Sami remixes.

While the scientists in another part of the world are trying to find the truth about the Big Bang, risking gobbling up the earth by creating a black hole, Sherlyn is going to have some of her own Big Bangs across the country as this complete recklessness is apparently going to trickle down to other parts of the country too.

To add to the real value of her moves, Sherlyn has worn a diamond studded bikini which is so expensive that the organisers of the event had eight bouncers and four security men to take care of Sherlyn in case those diamonds decided to detach themselves from this strange girl and trickle into the crowd. The show went on peacefully though, amidst howling wolf-like men.

Hema Malini, who the album Dard-e-Sherlyn is dedicated to, has been really pissed off by the effort and the video shot for the title song has had 19 snips from the censor board. Very Painful.

Kangana’s Out Of Focus

Kangana Ranaut, part-time actress and full-time gremlin is unhappy about the promos of Madhur Bhandarkar’s,Fashion. She claims that the focus lies completely onPriyanka Chopra and doesn’t do justice to the mother-of-a-role she’s pulled off in the movie. And so, being the whiny little Pomeranian that she is, she’s asked Madhur Bhandarkar to change the promo and give all the actresses equal attention. Whether any such change will be made remains to be seen.

Now here’s the bottom line. Nobody cares. Out of the two of you, they chose Priyanka Chopra to focus on. That itself tells you how bad you must be in the movie. And this little tantrum adds to the long list of professional mistakes you have already made and I’m sure, will continue to make. You’ve already gotten youself kicked out of one movie, so just keep your yap shut and get on with it.

Meanwhile, both she and her latest consolation prize,Adhyayan Suman boast ‘powerful’ roles in their upcoming movies. I’m not sure whether to laught at this or pick up a semi-automatic and Season One of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Sallu Poppins

Don’t we all remember being horrified by things like Mary Poppins and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun when we were kids? Well, more innocent children are going to be put through a never-ending musical journey which goes nowhere very soon. And it’ll be none other than India’s answer to Liza Minelli who will be playing the lead. I’m speaking of course, of Salman Khan.

T-Series has put aside a whopping 100 crores to attempt making a musical that will be directed by Anees Bazmee. WIth the decision to rope in Salman to play the lead, Bollywood casting has officially hit a new low. One might as well have cast Usher in The Pianist.

Why Sallu? Bhushan Kumar, the head of T-Series, claims that Sallu is a big star and has proved it again withGod Tussi Great Ho. It’s pretty clear from the artistes you sign that you don’t need much convincing. I can only hope that some pissed off gangster guns you down in a drive-by shooting before you waste all that money in this worthless attempt at creating something. As for Sallu, there’s no telling what he’ll do next.

Yukta To Marry A Prince!

Yukta Mookhey, who got lucky and won Miss World has finally decided to tie the knot with an American investment banker and businessman of Indian descent. His highness is addressed as Prince Tulli. That’s right. His name is Prince Tulli (as far as I’m concerned Tulli has one meaning; drunk).

Prince Tulli, went down on his knees and proposed to Yukta, who said she had a gut feeling about him being her Prince charming right from the start. The two of them met at a promotional party in Nagpur and hit it off like like a house on fire. Then the usual teenage syndrome of ‘phone calls till 3AM’ routine began and now they’re engaged.

Prince Tulli was born in Nagpur and educated in America and is a self confessed fan of Yukta’s works which include Memsaab - Lost in a mirage, Kab Kahaba Tu I love You, Kathputli etc. Now most of us here have not even heard of these wonders, I guess Prince was really enamoured by Yukta to keep a track of them living in the big ol’ U.S. of A.

All’s well that ends well and the two of them plan to tie the knot soon. On the work front Yukta plans on only signing movies which “convey a global message” in them and take more interest in her Prince’s hotel business.

Bas Karo Yashji

Just when you thought Yash Chopra had gone into hibernation-until-death mode, he’s started working on a new script. The last time we were exposed to his brand of eye-poking cinema was four years ago with Veer Zaara. And now, to add one more to his staggering list of insufferable movies, he’s making another romantic comedy with Shah Rukh and Amitabh Bachchan.

I thought he’d take his chances late in life and would attempt to tackle a different sort of movie but no; the higher the pile of money your carcass slaloms down when you’re dead the better right Yashji? So I guess the four year break was dedicated to training his hamster, Aditya Chopra, to take the reigns after his death.

The upcoming movie was thought to be a remake of Kabhie Kabhie, but that turned out to be a rumour. The fact is that all of Yashji’’s movies are remakes of his first movie. And so, after the two Chopras are done working on Aditya’s pending closed garage with the car engine running of a release called Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, Yashji will focus on re-writing some old script that’s lying around in his basement. Throw in SRK and a train pulling away from a European station and you’ve got yourself a hit.

Bipasha’s Research

Bipasha Basu is trying her best to play the character of a Kahsmiri Girl in Rahul Dholakia’s Lamha after she replaced Karisma Kapoor. Now lets face it, Karisma instinctively looked a lot more Kashmiri than the dusky bombshell, but then Karisma is a self-confessed chicken as well. Bipasha on the other hand has taken it upon herself to disapprove the myth that Kashmiri girls are fair-skinned and light-eyed (I hate to break your bubble dear, but it’s not a myth and they really are!). She has asked the director to get a “typical Kashmiri girl” to be shipped to her, this girl is going to be studied in depth by Bips as far as expressions, speech patterns and mannerisms go.

Bipasha agrees she has not done a movie that involves changing her personality so much. She is really sure that she will look her part though when the shoot begins. Looks to me a like case of bad casting only slightly better than Deepika Padukone playing a Chinese girl in Chandni Chowk to Chinatown.